You know, this getting older thing really isn't so bad. Sure, there are downsides. I have lines where I didn't have lines before, I have rolls before. But I also have this beautiful growth, this amazing confidence that I where I didn't have beautiful growth, or confidence before.
Three revelations that I had today where I had, as Oprah would say (don't groan), an "aha!" moment.
1.) I was driving to work, thinking about that inner confidence and assuredness that some people seem to have. I wondered why I didn't have it. Then I thought to myself, "well, I suppose you have to earn it, and I haven't been through anything big enough to warrant something like that". And then, like a flash of light from God, the phrase "demon slayer" came in to my mind. Now, usually, that phrase does not inspire a sense of holy awe (unless you're at some sort of face-melting death metal concert?). But on my drive to work, I started to cry, and the phrase repeated itself in my mind over and over and over again. And I realized that I was amazing. I realized that I am a demon slayer. I am courageous. I don't ignore my demons, I don't live my entire life frantically denying they exist. I track them mercilessly, and I do battle with them. And I win. I spent...what's 22-7? THAT MANY years of my life (15?) being eaten alive by disordered eating, flogging myself mercilessly for any imperfection. Torturing my body and my mind. But for fuck's sake, I WON. My 18 year old self would never, NEVER believe that I just ate Oreos and drank a beer after dinner. I remember thinking that I would never be free from that disease. And here I am. How amazing. Demon slayer.
I have done battle with my ego, with my jealousy, with my desperate desire to please...the list of my demons could go on forever. I do battle with them all. And eventually, I win. Demon slayer. I am fiercely proud of myself.
Then I started to wonder if I really did win. I did, after all, just begin recently an episode of despair. I caught a glimpse of myself in a dark computer screen, and noticed my newly saggy boobs (thanks, motherhood), my newly saggy face (thanks, motherhood), and remembered that I had gained 15 pounds with no plan on the horizon to lose it. I was despondent. I was scared shitless over the changes I was seeing in my body, in my life, and began to panic that I had no way to change it back. That I would never be young and beautiful again.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized something. Which brings us to #2.
2.) "Winning" meant something different than what I thought it did. I wondered if I had really "won" my battles at all, if I was still fighting them. And then BAM, it hit me: I was winning BECAUSE I was still fighting them. I realized that demons don't pack up and move on the second there is a well-placed revelation to be had from Oprah magazine (and no, I will never stop referencing Oprah). They don't leave. They don't. But I fight with them every day, and every day, they get quieter. They are only a whisper now. They will never stop whispering, and finding their way in to my weakest moments. But I won. And I am winning. Fucking demon slayer.
3.) I think, for many years, something my mom told me stuck with me. She told me that only when she stopped giving a shit if she got fat, did she ever get thin. And I warped that message so badly in my mind. Up until, about 30 minutes ago, for the past decade since she told me that, I realized I did all of the emotional work to heal my eating disorder with one goal in mind: to not care about being fat so that I could finally not be fat. I know that sounds absolutely moronic, but truthfully, I thought that was my magical ticket out. I was driven to heal myself so that I could finally be thin. How fucked is that, right? But it's true. So when I added another 15 pounds post child birth, my thought was- "wait, but I don't care if I'm fat now, so WHY AM I NOT GETTING THIN?? WHAT IF I NEVER GET THIN NOW???" And I realized in that moment that I still have so, so much to let go of. I'm still fighting. Always fighting. But that is so courageous. I am willing to look at every dark corner of myself, I am willing to illuminate it no matter how painful it is, to right what is wrong. Demon. Slayer.
Okay, I lied. There are four things. Another thing I thought about in the car on my drive home (I guess I do my best emotional work in the car?). I realized that I needed to embrace discomfort. I have spent my entire life fastidiously arranging my world so that I can avoid discomfort. I tailor my interactions with others, my life decisions, and everything else in my known universe to make sure that no one has a fucking problem with it. I avoid rejection and discomfort at all costs. And I always assumed that there was something wrong with me for feeling such intense discomfort with rejection, with the idea of making an unpopular choice. My life, as I write about all the time, has been a series of popular choices. I place the safe bet. Always. And I realized that no amount of spiritual awakening would ever make that discomfort go away. There is not much I can do to ensure that I don't break out in to stress sweats when I have to give someone negative feedback on an evaluation. I have realized that I'm going to sweat and feel a bit throw upp-y no matter how spiritually awakened I am. There isn't an easy answer that will suddenly bring all in to perspective, and make me not want to faint dead away at the thought of having to make an awkward phone call. There just isn't a way out of it. It just is what it is. And the answer is not to carefully craft my life in such a way that I will never even be PUT in a situation to stress sweat. That has led to a somewhat lackluster life. A safe life, where I pretend I don't have dreams. The answer is to realize that IM GOING TO SWEAT NO MATTER HOW FUCKING ENLIGHTENED I AM, and I just have to open my arms to that discomfort and walk right in to the fire. There is no other way. There just isn't. My autonomic nervous system cannot be controlled. Just walk in to the fire, and let it burn. And then eventually, it will stop burning. And you will have done an amazing thing.
I will keep fighting. I have won.
Love to you all. I'm going to publish this without proof reading it, because...YOLO (sorry).
