Dear body:

We are having issues at the moment. I know you can tell. My heart is pounding a little bit, and my mind is racing. So I'll just come right out and say it.

Why can't you just look like Kate Moss? I feed you well. I give you spinach and carrots and kale and broccoli and bell peppers and onions. I take a multi-vitamin. I take fish oil. I go to the gym and lift heavy weights, and do cardio. I walk my dog to promote venous return. I go to therapy so that I won't ever abuse you ever again, so that I won't throw up or starve or deprive you of anything that you need. Sure, I eat ice cream occasionally, but COME ON. I DO EVERYTHING. I take such good care of you! I just don't understand how I can still look the exact same. I get no credit. Even when I was the fittest I'll ever be in my life, I still looked exactly the same. There was MAYBE a one jeans size difference. On a good day.

Are you trying to tell me something? Is there a message that I'm supposed to be getting? The answer, of course, is "yes". I already know what you want to tell me. I get it. "Accept that you look the way that you look, and move on". But just hear me out. There is a boy at the gym who is an Adonis. He's a medical student. He works at Ben Taub, the best trauma center in the Medical Center. He has so many muscles and he covers them with a sexy white lab coat. He's so beautiful that he would only go for Kate Moss because he CAN. He can be picky. He's probably already dating some attractive Christina Yang med student who looks exactly like Kate Moss. From the waist up. Because my understanding of Kate Moss is that she is caucasian.

So you see, I'm rarely physically attracted to men. And I'm attracted to this one. So can't you do something? You're replicating my DNA 24/7, can't you just remodel me a bit? CAN YOU PLEASE JUST DO THAT? Because I already feel like I will never get married...so why are you narrowing the selection pool? Why can't you just make me universally beautiful so that at least I stand a chance of snagging someone that I am attracted to?

Really, though. You don't understand. Ordinarily I wouldn't have much of a problem with the way that I look, but I've been born into a world that doesn't agree. I was born into a world that will never stop letting me know that my body isn't appealing enough to be on TV. When all of my favorite books get turned into movies, I see that you can't live an adventurous, happy life unless you've got a BMI of 17. In every love story I've ever seen immortalized on the big screen, you can only have a beautiful romance if you have slim hips and wear a size zero. I live in a world that continuously tells me that I am not okay, that I can not be happy, that I can not have a fairytale wedding. I've never seen anyone that looks like me do anything that I want to do.

So what's a girl to do? I can't develop an eating disorder. That kind of pain and torture is such a pain in the ass that no amount of impending singledom could force me down that road again. So that's out. But the rules of TV and movies and cheerleading and popularity and envy all tell me that I'm just a genetic rotten apple. I guess the only productive thing to do is to rewrite the rules, eh?

Because it's like this: my viewpoint is the only viewpoint I'm ever going to have. Whichever way I decide to tint the world, I'm seeing it through the lens that I choose. The entire world might be confused about what is truly spectacular, but that doesn't mean that I'm not entitled to my own opinion.

And really? Honestly? My opinion is that I'm a fucking catch. Sure, I have wiiiiidddeee hips and a huge butt. Sure, I have bowed legs and just generally look like a giant put his hand on my head and gently smooshed me down (that's a hilarious visual).

But I'm smart. I learn everything that I can...not just when I have to, but every other hour of every day, too. And I'm good. I work so hard to do the right thing even when nobody is looking, because I know that's the only way that goodness is worth much at all, when it's real. I love to entertain people and I love to laugh. I love to go outside. I love to go adventuring. I try hardest, I think, to understand the world around me, even though I'm not sure what good it'll do.

I may eat a lot of ice cream, but I think all of those things make me pretty fantastic. If only someone would stop to look.

Welp, I'm glad that I just wrote an entire blog post to my body as if it were a seperate entity, and exposed my just SUPER intense bouts of insecurity to the world. Hopefully no one will ever read this.