Surprise!

I'm going to ship myself off to Chandler, Arizona to finally get the treatment that I need. I feel differently about it every day. Most days I'm just scared shitless. Most days I feel like it won't save me, because how could anything fix me when I'm so...just shattered? Non-functioning? Most days I don't feel like there is much hope for me at all. Today would definitely qualify as one of those days.

Life goes hard on me right now. My friends are all gone. I understand their silence, though. It's hard to be the friend of a sick girl...They're moving forward while I'm staying the same, lost in my own head and stuck doing things the way I've always done them. I never change. It was only a matter of time until they had to keep going, I guess. But unfortunately understanding the situation in my logical mind doesn't make it hurt any less. The people who listen to me are the people that my parents pay to listen to me. Those are the only people who stick around for any length of time. Eventually everyone else has to move on while I play the same tune over and over, starve, binge, purge, repeat.

My parents had presented the option of going to Remuda Ranch several weeks before, but it took me a long time to accept. I was sure that I couldn't make anything more of my own life, making that trip a waste of money. But I got this weird picture in my mind as I was walking my dog one day and it changed my mind in a way that nothing else had before. It was just some silly little picture that came up of me holding my child, and I was still in scrubs from a shift at some hospital. I know this sounds ridiculous and borderline delusional, but I realized that I might have a reason to go to Remuda Ranch and make this last attempt to save my own life after all. I could have a family of my own...a million kids made with the man of my dreams. And I saw him too, a few days later. Not his face, but I saw so clearly the love that I hoped to have, with a man that as of right now, I don't deserve. The most honest, honorable man that ever lived. And I wanted and do want so very much to deserve that man. And I want so very much to raise children who won't be a part of the domino effect that has knocked down all of the women in my family.

I have to be the domino that stands back up again, who is strong enough to stay up so that my children never have to suffer the way I have suffered, the way my mom has suffered, my sister, my grandma and her mom before her.

So we arrive back at this day, where I feel no hope. Where I see no peaceful resolution. What I really want to do is to cancel my flight to Phoenix and crawl back in to my little apartment in San Marcos to drink myself to death. Because it hurts like hell to not see a happy ending in your future. But now I've seen the man that I was made for and the children that we could have together and I can't un-see it. I have to keep going. I have to get on that plane. For some reason this whole thing isn't about me anymore. I am dragging my ass on to that plane and in to treatment for as long as it takes to forge myself into the woman that deserves the life that I saw while walking my dog.

So, I'm off on another adventure. What I need most right now is a friend. I'm scared shitless and I'm all alone, trying to find courage for a few people that I haven't met yet. E-mail me: ad1284@txstate.edu or text me: 713-376-8776. I don't care who you are. I leave September 12th. Hope to hear from you soon.