Big Fat Liar

Okay so here it is. This has been something that has been weighing on my heart for a long time.

I AM NOT FUCKING EGYPTIAN

It's amazing how something that started out in such a retarded manner could end up being one of the biggest annoyances in my life. I am a liar. I lie often. I lie to get myself out of awkward situations. I lie to get myself out of anything that makes me uncomfortable. I lie to myself. I lie to my friends. I lie to my mother. I lie to everyone. I'm not entirely sure why I do it, but I think there is more than one reason. I told everyone that I was Egyptian in tenth grade because I thought it would make me cooler and more exotic seeming. It worked. People thought it was the coolest thing ever. Too bad it's a lie. My mom lived in Egypt for like three of her formative years. That's it. I know how to say "hurry up girl" in Arabic. That's it. That's the only thing that I know how to say. Then when I came to college, I was desperate to be cool. I was younger than everyone around me and I wanted something to make me as factually interesting as I felt. So I perpetuated the lie. And unfortunately some of the people that I lied to turned out to be my best friends. It's been eating me up for years.

I never have had a brother. That was also something that I commonly lied about as a child because I thought older brothers were super cool. Then when I began developing an eating disorder and I started to cut, I used the excuse of a fictional brother dying as a way of expressing my sadness without having to actually talk about what was really going on. Mourning a brother is a normal thing. Mutilating and starving yourself for no apparent reason is not a normal thing. So I'd even lie to myself. I'd tell myself that I had a brother and that he was gone and that was why I was so sad. It was quite a dramatic thing, and the drama of it all was something I relished. Because I was sad. And I did feel hopeless. And lost. Just not for any reason that I thought was justifiable.

So to the people that I love, I'm so sorry. I told you these things before I knew that I would love you, and I love you enough now to want you to know nothing but the truth, regardless of how painful and embarrassing it is for me to admit. I waited so long to do this because I was wildly embarrassed, and playing it off as if it were true seemed an easier thing than admitting yourself to have acted in such a shameful and dishonest way. A thousand apologies. If you think I'm too lame to bear my presence any longer I totally understand. I've kind of felt the same way for a long time now.

This all came about because of this journey that I'm on...the journey to be a brave and honorable person worthy of respect. I tried to justify not telling the truth in every imaginable way. I tried to find some way to make the continuation of several horrendous lies the thing I should be doing, or at least an understandable thing to do, but there just isn't any help for it. It's not. I used to flatter myself as a brave person, but I wasn't living that way. I was living in fear of what the people I love would think if they knew the truth. But I'm done. No more excuses. No more lies. For once in my life I want my appearance and my actuality to be one and the same. I'm sick of the bullshit.

Mom, I have two cats. I adopted both of them because they looked pitiful and sad and I couldn't stand it. They are amazing and I love them and they cuddle with me at night. I have been wanting to say that to you for forever. I'm sick of hiding things. For the first time in as long as I can remember I'm telling you the truth not because I'm about to get caught, but because it is the right thing to do. I am extremely proud of the person that I am becoming and I think with enough work I might actually find some kind of worth in myself that is completely separate from the genetic blessings that I was given. Also, I'm about to go get an extremely unusual piercing because I think it's the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen. You're going to hate it. I'm pretty sure everyone on planet earth is going to hate it. My family most of all. But I will take it out before I become a nurse. Obviously. Piercings and tattoos are something that you will never like, but to me there is nothing more beautiful. It's just a difference of opinion. We've already established that I wish more than anything that I could've been your blonde sorority girl, but unfortunately that's just not how I came out, and living in any other way would just be another lie. I hope you're more proud of the person that I'm becoming than disappointed in the way that I look. I remember how back in high school I would make myself look exactly how I wanted, and I thought I was so beautiful, in my unusual little way. And then you looked at me and asked if I was intentionally trying to make myself as ugly as possible. That kind of blind sided me. I thought I was beautiful. And it really hurt for you to say that. I think I struggled with those words for a long time. I know that we've been through a lot these past few years and I'd like to think that we're both such different people than what we were then. I hope you're proud of my decision to be honest and brave, and I hope that that is more beautiful to you than any hairstyle or body shape. That's just something that I had to say.


I love you guys. I hope you don't hate me.