Word Vomit

I just can't stop...this is such an interesting journey and I've had so much time to think about things throughout this weekend that I had to post again. I'm going to fight this bitch, let me just get that out first and foremost.

Recovering from such a resilient and long-lived eating disorder is no joke. My inner starving African child is sneering at the whole bit, though. How do I have any right to complain about this? My biggest issue is that I have an unbalanced relationship with food. Yet there is food EVERYWHERE. I am not hungry. In fact, I'm usually never hungry because I can't stop eating. So I do struggle with how ludicrous and invalid this problem sounds to someone who can't afford a can of green beans. But at the same time it has proven to have such a grip on me as to make me contemplate ending my own life on several occasions. Since the wee, tender age of 7. An adversary that only gets stronger and more vigorous with age. How rude.

Anyway. I'm not done. I've been working on my book a lot lately, getting out of the house to go write at Starbucks or the library, and going on a lot of walks. As a matter of fact I go on so many walks that I'm positive that the good citizens of San Marcos think I'm a vagrant wanderer. With a side order of schizophrenia. But I love walking. It's hard for my inner Ana to shut up while I'm walking though, I'll give you that. To someone like me there is always the constant consideration that walking does not burn as many calories as running. I try to stuff a sock in Ana's mouth.

I've been doing really well today. I'm back in the trenches, doing the work that is required of me to become a functional human being. I'm focusing on waiting on my own hunger to eat, and allowing myself to actually EAT when that signal comes. It almost makes me cry just thinking about how childish and elementary that goal sounds, but I spent 14 years denying and abusing my most basic instincts. Now it's time to hear them again. It's such a long road. And I've only been doing well for a few hours...what about tonight? Night time is when the demons come, and I can't ever sleep, so there's no respite in that area. Just thinking about all of those waking hours with all of those thoughts is enough to make me want to give up. For every good day of mine there will always be a night time. I'm trying not to look any further than right now.

The second hardest part of this process seems to be my perceived opinions of others. I assume that everyone notices the ten pounds that I've gained and judges me harshly for it. You don't even want to know what I imagine that they say. And I feel the weight of their PROBABLY FICTIONAL judgements no matter where I go. So I apologize to those of you who feel alienated during this process. I've been spending a lot of time alone, haven't been answering my phone much or responding to many texts. I wish it wasn't like this, but I can't fight this hard with my eating and thought patterns every second of every day while people watch. I can't struggle with the weight of everyone's eyes while I simultaneously struggle with overcoming an eating disorder. I wish I could do it. One step at a time though. Every day that I listen to and respect my body is another day closer to a self esteem that allows me to interact with you bitches normally. I can't even begin to express in advance how grateful I am to those of you who understand this and will support me from a distance as I gather my legs beneath me and try to stand up.

I can do this. And not only can I do it, I can do it while getting two bachelor's degrees. Watch me.