It's hard to lose someone. Anyone at all. They don't have to be someone you loved dearly for it to shake you to your core when they're gone. The last time I saw Jake, He was calling to me from across the quad, motioning for me to come talk to him. I'm too painfully awkward to just walk up and strike up a conversation. I say hello exuberantly, and I keep walking into the building. I saw the look on his face, like he was disappointed that I didn't come over and talk. I remember thinking, "Man, I haven't talk to him in so long, I can't believe he still puts forth the effort to say hello to me. What a nice kid."
Unfortunately there is never any sign delivered from the hands of god to tell you that this is the last time you'll be seeing them, and that they won't be breathing anymore, and that they won't be doing the awkward little things that they do anymore. And that you should prepare yourself, because soon, you're going to get dashed in the face with cold water. You're going to realize with horrendous clarity that he really doesn't exist any more, no matter how silly that sounds. That death really is that quiet and quick. It could've been me. It could've been Adam. It could have been any person in this world that it would have torn me apart to lose. What if it had been?
As much as one person tries to describe the feeling, it's all for naught. No matter what you do, you will forget what mortality feels like eventually. And so will I. And I'll keep wasting days away not saying the things that I want to say. And I will keep hiding. And I will keep pretending. I will forget that there is no time for that.
But for now? That dash of cold water has woken me up. I need to live. I need to be honest, most importantly. I can't keep holding my tongue for fear of the consequences. Death is the only consequence to worry about, to keep in mind.
Maybe I will find that joy and adventure. Maybe I will be honest some day. Lord knows all I really want is a one way trip to Neverland. I love people. I love excitement. I love new love. But life can't stay that way forever. That's what they tell me. That's what everyone tells me.
I am trying not to be so pre-occupied with being a kid again. But for a second, I'll indulge myself, because I haven't given myself the opportunity to do so. I wish I could remember life before sex. Before alcohol. Before boys didn't have cooties. Before I had to figure my life out. Before I had to make so many big decisions. Before I second guessed myself. Before people died. Before people died because they chose to go away from me. Before people took advantage.
But this is my life, and I am so god damned, fucking DETERMINED to see to it that I can find it worth living. Determined to find joy on the regular. Determined to make my life bigger than just my body and my mind. Determined to leave things better than I got them. Always.
Now if I could just ever get to sleep. Ever. Please Jesus.
This was beautiful.
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