Avatar'd

Soo...I just went on a me date to go see Avatar. And by "just", I mean "yesterday" or technically "day before yesterday" since it's 12:57 a.m. on Christmas morning. Merry Christmas!

You know, I've felt for a long time like a soul in the wrong world. Watching Avatar seriously made me fervently wish that reincarnation happens. It honestly does feel like I've been alive before. I want to believe it's true so badly, and suspend my disbelief of anything that I can't see proof of. I can't tell you how much of a war I am waging on myself over this subject. I just want to believe. Why? Because my entire life, I've felt like I don't belong here. I've felt like my own being belonged to a whole different set of customs, a whole different set of things that I consider normal, a whole different set of behaviors that are acceptable. I feel like an anomaly in the human way. And I know how this sounds, but the kind of culture that feels right to me closely resembles that of the Na'vi. Even their jewelry, the style of their hair, their clothing...that is beautiful to me. Skinny jeans and tank tops are not beautiful to me. Nature makes sense to me. The smell of it, the feel of the ground under bare feet, treating it with respect because it is your mother, the place that protects you from the sun and that grows the food that you eat. The place where you experience everything. Now, as for putting it past that, and assuming there is an actual life-force to be worshiped, I don't know. Nobody does.

I will probably not ever know what it is that I am really after. Is it that I'm just bored with earth and humanity? Is it just that I read too much sci-fi? Or is what I've felt my entire life real? Do I have a soul, and does it belong somewhere else? Have I been alive before? Is that why I was born acting like a thirty year old? I am so starved for adventure. I don't want to be a grown up. I don't want the adventures that grown ups have. The only adventurous thing that grown ups do is buy a new rug for the living room. They seem to give up on really living. They lose their hearts for animals and for other human beings, and get jobs that pay and buy new furniture and coddle it like a toddler. How do I keep myself from losing this? Where can I find adventure? I feel like I was born for danger. And you know what? I think everyone feels that way. I think that's why we love books like Harry Potter, where the person assumes that they are so average, until one day they find out that they were destined to save the world since the moment that they were born. I think we all strongly identify with that. So why is that? And why do we always lose it?

This sounds silly, but maybe I should join the armed forces. Because honestly, I am not afraid. I am a fighter. I was born to be one. If I think someone is breaking into my house, my heart pounds with excitement, not fear. I get still, and I listen, so that I can determine what I should do. And honestly? I smile a little bit. Because I want to fight. I want to be a protector. I realize that this isn't a traditional female role. We are the ones being stuffed into a closet and told to hide. I don't want to hide. I want to protect. I want to protect because I am not afraid. And call me old fashioned, but protecting something that I love seems like such a preferable way to die. I don't want to die in a nursing home, pooping my adult diaper. But that is how things are in this culture. That is what people dream of. That is why they pay a million dollars in the hospital to treat their sickness. So that they can die in a nursing home surrounded by strangers, so weak that they can't run anymore. They can't stand. I would never, ever want that. I am so thankful for the fact that I am now old enough to be listened to. That I am fully grown, so that I can use my body. I don't ever want to be a reduced to a child again, powerless and weak. I am so thankful to be at a point where I know for a fact that I can do anything, as long as I am given an opportunity. And I am very good at convincing people to give me an opportunity.

To give another example of a culture that I am extremely familiar with and that I identify with, take wolves. Wolves and any other canine...I understand them. They operate in a similar way that humans do, except humans have overrun their natural instincts with all sorts of strange new things. With wolves, there is an alpha. There is a beta. This is true with humans as well. If you look hard enough, you will find them. You will know. There are the ones who eat last. The smaller ones. The ones who do not run as fast, and are not as successful. The order is only changed once established if there is a fight. You have to prove that you are stronger and more deserving of the position. There is no bitterness, only acceptance. And acceptance is easy when you understand that you don't have to be the alpha to be an integral part of a functioning pack. As a lower ranking member, you are just as key to the pack's success. An alpha is the protector. The alpha is always the first to be hurt, the first to challenge. They eat first because the other members respect them and the things that they do to protect those that cannot protect themselves. As for me...I think I'd be the female alpha. I still feel like I want to defer to a strong, healthy and dominant man, but at the same time I would not lower my head to anyone else. I'm extremely strong and able, very dominant with incredibly strong protective instincts.


ANYWAY, I'm tired of talking about this, because I've talked about it for years and it never gets me anywhere, really. Maybe one day I'll find out that I wasn't crazy all of these years.

Brush My Teeth With A Bottle of Jack

It's hard to lose someone. Anyone at all. They don't have to be someone you loved dearly for it to shake you to your core when they're gone. The last time I saw Jake, He was calling to me from across the quad, motioning for me to come talk to him. I'm too painfully awkward to just walk up and strike up a conversation. I say hello exuberantly, and I keep walking into the building. I saw the look on his face, like he was disappointed that I didn't come over and talk. I remember thinking, "Man, I haven't talk to him in so long, I can't believe he still puts forth the effort to say hello to me. What a nice kid."

Unfortunately there is never any sign delivered from the hands of god to tell you that this is the last time you'll be seeing them, and that they won't be breathing anymore, and that they won't be doing the awkward little things that they do anymore. And that you should prepare yourself, because soon, you're going to get dashed in the face with cold water. You're going to realize with horrendous clarity that he really doesn't exist any more, no matter how silly that sounds. That death really is that quiet and quick. It could've been me. It could've been Adam. It could have been any person in this world that it would have torn me apart to lose. What if it had been?

As much as one person tries to describe the feeling, it's all for naught. No matter what you do, you will forget what mortality feels like eventually. And so will I. And I'll keep wasting days away not saying the things that I want to say. And I will keep hiding. And I will keep pretending. I will forget that there is no time for that.

But for now? That dash of cold water has woken me up. I need to live. I need to be honest, most importantly. I can't keep holding my tongue for fear of the consequences. Death is the only consequence to worry about, to keep in mind.

Maybe I will find that joy and adventure. Maybe I will be honest some day. Lord knows all I really want is a one way trip to Neverland. I love people. I love excitement. I love new love. But life can't stay that way forever. That's what they tell me. That's what everyone tells me.




I am trying not to be so pre-occupied with being a kid again. But for a second, I'll indulge myself, because I haven't given myself the opportunity to do so. I wish I could remember life before sex. Before alcohol. Before boys didn't have cooties. Before I had to figure my life out. Before I had to make so many big decisions. Before I second guessed myself. Before people died. Before people died because they chose to go away from me. Before people took advantage.

But this is my life, and I am so god damned, fucking DETERMINED to see to it that I can find it worth living. Determined to find joy on the regular. Determined to make my life bigger than just my body and my mind. Determined to leave things better than I got them. Always.


















Now if I could just ever get to sleep. Ever. Please Jesus.